I recently came across a video dramatizing the stereotypical difference between the girl wanting the guy to empathize and the guy itching to provide the solution to her problem. It’s mostly well acted and ended up getting the nod of the vimeo staff – but if you scroll down to read the gushing comments, it becomes apparent that the vast majority of commenters and fans are male.
Here’s my take: Males love it, because the film completely misrepresents the usual situation in which a woman asks for the man to merely listen. The way I understand it, by the time the woman looks for empathy for her problem, she’s already pondered it for a while and rejected the apparently obvious solutions as faulty (and the problems are never as straightforward as a nail in the forehead). While the man is trying to show his support by being helpful as he knows how – problem solving – when he says “Try Windex, honey,” she hears: “I can fix in ten seconds the problem you’ve been losing sleep over for the last two nights. Clearly, you’re not very smart, but that’s ok, I’ve got your back.”
How would a guy react to that kind of sentiment?
I didn’t read the comments — I find that most YouTube comments only serve to depress me, though maybe Vimeo is higher class? — but here’s my take on the video.
You know how people used to say that some jokes weren’t for “mixed company,” where by “mixed,” they meant male and female together? I think we need to revive and expand that thought. Some jokes, some rants, some commentary, can be helpful in a group of people with something relevant in common, but are insulting and harmful in a wider context.
My go-to example is homeschoolers, for whom jokes about the “s-word” or long, weary sighs at hearing “but what about socialization?” for the umpteenth time — when made among ourselves, help us to lighten the atmosphere of our frustration over an issue that was answered long ago and ought to have been thoroughly laid to rest. But to a sincere inquirer, who can’t be expected to have read what we’ve read and experienced what we’ve experienced, such a response is a slap in the face, and doesn’t do the cause any good.
In this case, I suspect the video speaks to the frustration of men — or anyone, but it does seem to be more common in males — who are convinced they not only see someone’s problem clearly but also a simple fix, and the other person not only won’t accept help, but won’t acknowledge the identification of the problem. One guy can legitimately share it with another, saying, “this is how I feel when I talk with her!” and the other can sympathize, “me, too — aren’t women crazy?” and maybe offer a suggestion (fix the problem?), “I find with my wife it helps if I….” But for a guy to show it to his wife and say (or even imply), “this is what you do!” — No, no, a thousand times no! At least if he doesn’t want to end up sleeping on the couch. Or worse; I find the video highly suggestive of Jael, actually. 🙂
The comments aren’t too bad, because they’re mostly males complimenting the maker. They only get nasty when a female speaks up and criticizes it as unfunny, simplistic, or as an apology for the male superiority complex – and that’s rare.
I think you make a good point, and the comment section bears it out: audience matters. Guy who’ve been there enjoy seeing their experience with a dollop of ridicule – it is a (legitimate) way to commiserate. But it doesn’t move relationships forward.
In my own experience, my wife has creatively solved so many technical and logistical problems in our household that I have no reason to doubt her problem-solving ability. The problems she does want me to listen to (without immediately offering solutions) are always interpersonal and therefore complex.